Eve's

-a closure-

It took me a long time to finally decide to write again. why? maybe i’m afraid of the vulnerability it might bring. It just didn’t seem like i’ve got any words. because i felt empty.

I met someone 3 years back. It was wonderful and passionate. It was new, it almost seem like a stranger that I was trying to get to know. He made me look at the world different. He was hilarious. Someone who got me intrigued. 
He did felt like the one.

We were so similar but so different at the same time. Then came the struggles. The pain to try to understand what was wrong. The strength to go through the pain. The love to bring out the strength. Whatever happened to that unconditional, unfailing love.

and every time it fell, i chose to wipe off the dirt but never really cleaning the wound. Now there’s an infection.

Simplicity was a goal. That simple love. simple solutions. simple answers. But humans are drawn to complexity. We don’t just want to see a clear blue sky, we want to see orange, pink, blue, gray and cloudsssss. It got me thinking. How could someone create something so complex and yet so simple. so what is simple?

If anyone ever knew me, it was him.

I saw myself. the good and the bad through him. The bad was of course hard to be honest about because there’s shame and fear that comes with it. That maybe, because of the bad, you’re not worthy of love.
this was a tough time to go through. It was also a time for self discovery. It was so easy to be sucked into an emotional breakdown. I did. I stopped.

We started a journey together. One that involved many sacrifices, a big test to our ability to compromise and improve. I guess it did not work out.

My label is precious to me. It’s my heart and soul. I am blessed to be able to do what i love and that things have been going well. But I must admit, it’s hard, and it does get lonely sometimes. I immersed myself into this and I started to think. What is my ultimate goal in life. LIFE.

I got a very clear answer: i want to be a great and fun mom.

This very sentence explains it all and will be the core of my life. I had to be better, to be an inspiration, to be happy for my child. What’s painful right now is that i seem to be in slow mo, and I may not have enough time. This may sound absolutely absurd to some, but i truly believe the real meaning of life comes only when you are responsible for another. we may agree to disagree.

I’m tired of the blame game. It is destructive.

We were all designed for struggle, all we need is someone to hold and tell us “you’re imperfect, but you’re worthy”. And that someone could very well, just be yourself.

I wish for love and happiness because that is what inspires.

<3 

peace.

Hi Darren, 

If you can hear me, i wanna tell you i’m sorry.
i wanna tell you that i miss you and you will always be a little brother to me.
i cant stop crying. i need to stop.
when i saw you, my heart sank, i wanted to tell you so many things, but it’s all stuck.
I only have here now. 
you are loved and i will NEVER forget you. NEVER.
you have a piece of my heart, i’ve never met a more sincere and fun boy. im hating myself for not putting in the effort to call you out.
i took it for granted, and i really really miss you. i REALLY REALLY miss you.
i cant forget the image of you in the tiny little box. you’re so close, yet so unreachable.

It hurts, just looking at your pictures. but i have to. i need to grief.
I need to think back on those times we had, feel it, treasure it and then let it go.

We had a bond. a sister brother bond, without all the nagging. we just had fun and we shared. i always LOVED seeing you when i went over to alvin’s place, and you must admit, you were pretty happy to see me too.
i remember christmas countdown, or was it new years, we were the only two that went crazy, shouting out of the windows, laughing and we fed off each other’s energy.

Be strong and happy. 
like the pastor said,
you’re just asleep, and you’re gonna wake up beside God.

I love you.

 

“we were strolling down the sports complex, and you were going on and on about the incident. It was casual and I even made fun of you.
Then suddenly, you dashed across the street for the bus.
I had this gut wrenching feeling that that was the last time that i was gonna see you and so i ran. i ran with all i had and shouted out, DARREN!!.
I gave you a hug and then you smiled and said
“it’s gonna happen sooner or later, stop it! i very paiseh leh”. 
Then you left”

I prayed for a dream, and i choose to believe you came into it and talked. :)

Words cant describe how i feel right now. The tears come and go but for the first time, i felt that it was worth it.

I still remember all the fun times we had. How we can joke about the smallest and lamest things. 
How you could not stop laughing when i lied that i farted and you pretended that it stank.
There are countless occasions where i enjoyed your company.
It was the Australia trip that brought us closer, we were even more of a couple than i was with Alvin. haha. 
I also remember the “stop nagging la” look whenever i told you to be a good boy. 

Then there were the heart to heart talks and the time where we went to bugis for “a date”.  

Even though we stopped contact for a while, when i met you at CNY’09, you were still the same crazy fun boy i knew. The same humour, the same smile, the same hand gestures, the same you.

This post is dedicated to you, Darren. To remind you what a great person you are and is very much loved. 

I thank you, for bringing me so much joy and laughter, for making me feel comfortable whenever there’s an awkward situation. I thank you, for you.

You will be missed.
Rest in Peace <3 

Somehow, someway, i came back with a heavy heart. I don’t know if it’s exhaustion, or a omg.ive.got.fckingmanythings.todo, but my mind has been screwing me lately.

That explains the accident, and that explains my missing sketchbook. no one to blame, only me. :(

Too many thoughts at once makes me anxious and it doesnt help when im not at all fantastic with multi tasking. Needs training.

I am so grateful to have had this opportunity to meet so many amazing Japanese artists/designers. Effortless, powerful talent.
I felt almost undeserving to be able to experience their creative label stores, and to see how much thought that was put into everything.
The good and bad of a culture shock. I came back handicapped by thoughts. I need one night of recovery.

vox is gone.
had some good times with it.